WAKE THE FUCK UP

Suddenly I knew I loved her. I wanted to tell her right away. I had no car. I walked for some forty minutes and worried what would she say but my fear was all wrong. Nobody home. Next morning her friend told me she had tried to kill herself. She slashed her wrists but called her on the phone at once. The paramedics were fast enough. She washed the blood from her floor. I went to see her. She looked kinda proud she tried to die. I tried to say funny stuff to cheer her up. Told her I loved her. She said she didn't love me. Like she was telling me the sky is not green but actually blue. Like wake the fuck up boy I don't love you. But very sober and cold the way she told me. I said I would never have the guts to cut my veins open like that. She informed me that I was a coward. That was more than twenty years ago. I hope she is alive and happy somehow somewhere. But I can almost hear her telling me no she killed herself good next time. Sometimes I remember her laughing that night everybody got stoned at her place. I figure maybe I was one of the lucky few who saw one of her happy moments.